Announcer: Welcome back to VH1’s “I love the 00’s – 2005 – Part Deux” In 2005, the NHL officially cancelled their entire season.

Hal Sparks: The NHL didn’t play this year…who noticed.

Michael Ian Black: So they didn’t play, it just meant that there was a lot more ice available for amateur curlers like me. Quit laughing, I am a curler.

Kathy Griffin: Hockey is ok to have around, but if it dropped of the face of the earth, nobody would really notice… a lot like me and my career.

Michael Ian Black: Oh, I remember Hockey now, did Gretzky win the scoring title again last year?... Who the hell is Ilya Kovalchuk? Sounds like an STD you get from having sex with Courtney Love. ‘I’m sorry Mr. Malone, but it’s third stage Ilya Kovalchuk; there is nothing I can do to save you’

Dave Coulier: As a Canadian and hockey fan, it was devastating to not have hockey around. It ranks up there with living with being on the Surreal Life in terms of huge disappointments in my life.

Flavor Flav: FLAVOR FLAV!!!

Hal Sparks: Dave Coulier said what about hockey? Who is Dave Coulier and why should care?

Dave Coulier: I’m Dave Coulier...I was Uncle Joey on Full House… (Does the moose antler’s and voice thing)…’Cut It Out’…In I love the 90’s part six you said I was the funniest human being alive?

Hal Sparks: Nope, still drawing a blank.

Dave Coulier: Oh, F&%@ you Talk Soup Boy.

Announcer: Coming up on I love the 00’s part Deux, Michael Moore latest movie goes too far even for Hollywood liberals when he tries to blame the bubonic plague outbreak in the 1300’s on George Bush, and later the crucifixion of Fred Durst for crimes against music.

In times like this, I always enjoyed a laugh, so I wrote that for you devoted hockey fans still crazy enough to read a hockey trade rumor website even though there is no way that teams could trade or sign players. You die hard fans out there are the reason that the NHL will survive the lockout, and will some day play again.

I also wrote this as a way of saying thanks to my readers out there. The last time I checked the statistics, my column has been read by over 15,000 people in over 50 countries. That boggles my mind. I am just a no nothing kid from Pittsburgh who likes hockey and has an uncanny sense of dry sarcasm. The fact that so many people of the world have read my work is very humbling, as well as awe inspiring. I wish I could talk to and thank each and every one of you, but I would probably lose interest in that after about 40 of you.

In other news, I now got my PS2 online, and play nothing but ESPN NHL 2k5. My screen name is Ianintheam, and would welcome people adding me to their friends list and challenging me online.

I also have to say that the NHL’s Quest for the best tournament is incredibly stupid, but the 92-93 Penguin team is kicking major but so I guess that it is a good idea.

Ian In The AM

Professional Sarcasm for Hire

The Face Wash
www.spectorshockey.net
Read by 15,000 people in over 50 Countries

Before I start with my hockey column, I have one very important question to ask. This question has been bothering me for a while now, and I can’t seem to find a solid answer from anyone.

Here’s it is: Why has yet another Ramone past away, yet all members of Bon Jovi are alive?

It’s just not fair.

Anyway, the least depressing news of late has been the NHL lockout. I could go on about it like everyone else, but that is getting boring. All everyone needs to remember is that there needs to be cost control in the NHL, and nobody in America could care less.

It could be my small market bias being from Pittsburgh, but if 19 of 30 teams are losing money there might just be a problem with the current system (http://www.nhlcbanews.com/uro_results.html).

And, who was the genius that decided that the lockout should occur in the middle of September? Between MLB pennant races and the start of the NFL season, the lockout wasn’t even mentioned on SportsCenter until the second half of the show.

Hockey has the fewest fans of any sport in America. Walk down the street and ask someone if they know who Chris Moneymaker is. Then ask them if they know who won the Stanley Cup last year. I’ll go all in on that question and bet that more people would recognize that untalented lucky poker player then the winner of the most historic trophy in sports.

Oh well, on to the funny stuff. As I said, there is a lockout. There is no sign of stopping any time soon, so you better bunker down. Here are my suggestions to you few hockey fans left on how to survive the lockout.

Find local hockey – There is hockey everywhere, you just have to find it. This will be easier for you guys in Minnesota, but between College, AHL, ECHL, the OSHL, or the WHA (yeah right) there should be some level of professional hockey in your area. If you are young enough, find a league and play hockey.

Go watch Chappell’s show – Wwwwwwwhat? Yyyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!

Buy a Video Game – ESPN’s 2k5 has been a great surprise for me this year. I am a die-hard EA Sports man, but this game has won me over. The presentation is exactly like ESPN’s hockey games, just to remind yourself what you are missing. There are small flaws in game play and in the franchise, but the $20 price tag makes up for it. Go buy it.

Stock up on Duct Tape– I’m sorry, this is left over from my y2k survival list, but it still is very important to have. All you Red Green fans up in Canada know what I am talking about.

Read a book – I suggest “The Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy” series by Douglas Adams, another genius taken before Bon Jovi.

Go to the local music store – Remember, you have x dollars book marked for hockey tickets this year. I use the student rush program, which is $20 a ticket, times the average15 games I go to, that is $300 in disposable income I now have to go out and spend. Go to a record store with a used bin and check it daily, if you are in Pittsburgh I suggest ‘The Exchange.’ Go boost your cd collection, so when the NHL starts back up you can spend your cd money on more hockey tickets.

Check with your local stadium store – Chances are that they may be having a sale on jerseys and other stuff marked down real cheap.
Get out and vote – Unless you are voting for Kerry; if you are I suggest that you do not go out and vote.

Grow Up – If you are stressing over a lockout to the point that you have to read a survival guide, you are taking it way too hard. Unless you are a NHL player or work for an NHL team or have your income related to the NHL, your life is not directly changed for the worse from the lockout. I’m sad to see it happen, and a lot of people will miss the NHL, but it is not the end of the world. Hockey will survive somehow in some way, maybe or maybe not in the form of the NHL. Whatever happens, hockey cannot stay the way it was loosing so much money by so many teams. Just don’t panic. If they end up like baseball did with their last labor situation, basically letting the big owners walk away in complete control, then you can panic.

Well, that about wraps it up. I’m not sure what my next column will be about, since there might not be any NHL news for a while. I might have to start talking about the upcoming election, or the forthcoming fall TV schedule, or about nothing in particular.

If you have a topic idea feel free to email it to me (ianintheam@yahoo.com) Thanks for reading for the past year or so, I have enjoyed writing for yunz.

Ian In The AM

Professional Sarcasm for Hire

I’m sitting in the Nationwide arena in Columbus, OH after a three hour drive from Pittsburgh. My four friends and me have made the trek there to watch team USA and team Russia play in their final warm-up game before the Toyota World Cup.

I was just there for the love of hockey. While it is true that I love my country, I do have a deep hatred for most of the players on team USA. The opposite is true for the Russian squad; I dislike Russia but most of my favorite players are from there. I had decided to go into the game without any rooting interest, just hoping to enjoy what will probably be the last hockey game I go to for years.

But, as fast as you could say ‘comrade’ things changed.

Eight Russians straight out of Moscow sit directly in front of us. Not only that, but they waited until after their national anthem had finished and disruptively made their way to their seats during the Star Spangled Banner.

Lets just say… my rooting interest changed.

Here are some of the gems me and my fellow countrymen spewed at our comrades:

During the national anthem in the usual gap between ‘and the land of the free’ and ‘and the home of the brave’ someone usually screams ‘Lets Go (home team name)’ Tonight, someone behind us screamed “Go Capitalism”
“What a big hit; he went down like the Berlin Wall!”
“He can’t even buy a goal…especially with the weak Russian economy!”
“Go Rocky; beat Drago!”
“Wolverines!” (Red Dawn)
“Quit Stalin and drop the puck already!”
“Hey Boris, remember the space race!” “Dude, we lost the space race, we won the moon race” “Whatever”
And of course, “1980” and “Do you believe in Miracles?”

Don’t any of you PC freaks worry about it, it was all in good fun and no one got hurt. The whole time, they were laughing and speaking Russian, I’m sure saying the same type of things to us.

It was the best time I’ve ever had at a hockey game, and got me pumped for the world cup. This is the best two weeks ever, I come home from work and watch hockey, then eat dinner and watch hockey again. I’m in heaven.

This tournament could be the last hockey for years with the work stoppage, and could be the most exciting since the Gretzky days. With the exception of Germany, every team has a legitimate chance of winning this tournament. Here’s what I think about the teams and my predictions.

Canada – Canada has the best chance of winning. They have a sick amount of talent on the roster, and have played a good system from the games I saw. When they do finally give up a chance, they have some no name goalie named Brodeur to stop the puck. All that plus home ice advantage bodes well for them. They will make the final game, but may lose it.

Czech Republic – The Czech’s have a lot of NHL talent too, but no leaders. The default leader is Jaromir Jagr, who has always failed miserably when put in a leadership role with the Mario-less Penguins or in Washington. The death of Hlinka could be a rally point or an excuse for losing, the latter of which was suggested in their first game against Finland. No chance for the Czechs this year.

Finland - These tournaments can be won or lost between the pipes. If a goalie gets hot for a week, any team can be unbeatable. I think that goalie will be Miikka Kiprusoff, the NHL’s best goalie last year. The Fins do not have the most talent in the tournament, but they do have enough up front to get the job done in front of a hot goalie. I think they could steal the championship from the Canadians.

Germany – The German team will learn what it felt like to be Poland in world war two. The Germans can go ahead and annex last place if they want, it’s already theirs.

Russia – Russia has the guns to win the tournament, but is without any NHL goaltending. They cannot outscore their opponents enough to make up for it, especially with the world cup being played under NHL rules. They will lose in the semi’s.

Slovakia – I haven’t had a chance to see them play yet, but from looking at the rosters it looks doubtful they will medal. They have a team good enough to win a Stanley Cup, but not a World Championship.

Sweden – Sweden has an excellent team, but goaltending may hurt them in the long run. If Salo plays average, say a 2.50 GAA, the team might make it to the semi’s. Look for Dickey Tarnstrom on the powerplay, he is dangerous on the point.

United States – The US team is old but has looked good so far. If it was an 82 game season, there is no way that the team would last. But, in a two-week tournament, the old timers may hold up well enough to win some games. Robert Esche could be the other goalie that could steal the tournament from someone, since he has looked incredible in the games so far. The few healthy defensemen are old enough to remember WWII, but are still functional. I guess they just don’t build ‘em like they used to. They will have to fight to make it to the semi’s, but could go to the finals if Esche continues great play.

Professional Sarcasm for Hire

All right, last week I criticized New York Ranger fans for whining about their team on the “Fans Speak Out” board. I was trying to point out the fact that nobody wants to hear them complain about the troubles of their team, when their team has been the cause of many troubles for many fans in many markets in the NHL. I corresponded with several New Yorkers over the past week, and after explaining my point to them we came to an understanding and mutual respect amongst each other.

That is the beauty of a free society. If you see something you don’t agree with, you can criticize without worry about your family’s safety. I don’t think hating the Rangers was a crime punishable by death in Iraq, but I could be wrong

I try to read the Fans Speak Out section whenever it is updated, and it usually is a great way to hear hockey opinions from outside of the local media bias.

But seriously, W.T.F. was Labatt thinking when he sent in his most recent rambling? It pains me to read it, and unless a dozen monkeys translated it with typewriters, there is no excuse for it.

Dude, proof read your stuff before you email it. And if that is too much trouble, I’ll give you a tip; You know all those little red and green squiggly lines that pop up when you type in word, those are errors, not decorations.

Lets look at some of the crimes against the English language he is accused of commiting:

First off, “that mary Eric Lindros” would more likely be his mother’s name. A merry Eric Lindros would more likely be what you want to say.
“hitting women is something I look down on” A lot of people look down on spousal abuse. I mean, after one or two good hits, someone is looking down and someone is looking up from the floor. (That is a JOKE. Please no angry letters.)

Apparently his keyboard is malfunctioning, since capitalizing names and “i’s” are optional, and so is the ‘ in contractions.

CAPOTALIZING ENTIRE SENTENCES IS A WAY THAT PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE A POINT WHEN THEY DON’T REALLY HAVE A VALID POINT TO MAKE; IT DISTRACTS THE READER FROM WHAT HE IS READING. You must have learned that trick from one of Michael Moore’s books.

What is a “dicisions”? I have many decisions to make with this word: ‘Do I do a gay joke or not’ is one of them.

This isn’t about your English, but your argument. I don’t like Lindros at all, but I do understand why his daddy does all his decisions. Lindros has had more concussions than you have had typos, and that is quite a bit. I wouldn’t let my child make adult decisions no matter how old he is if his brain has been shaken more than a Bond martini.
Another flaw is in your argument about Glen Sather. Labatt, even you could be a hall of fame GM if you had Messier and Gretzky on your team.
What is a “lughingstock”? Is that the site of the next Olympics in Germany?

New York is a “mercenary” city? Either you are a complete idiot, or you have to work on expanding your arguments so that the reader understands the vague terminology that you use.

Brett Hull’s “big mouth never closes and im tired of his bellyaching.” Dude, look in the mirror! Maybe if you had read your little rant before you sent it, you would have realized that Hull is not the one bellyaching.
“Also a closing comment…”. Lalime has proven himself in the regular season, but has not been able to win in the post season. Lalime was a talented young goalie…when he was a Penguin. He is now 30, and on the downside of his career. The Sens were going to have to get a new young goalie soon anyway, might as well try Hasek for a year, if there is one.

And that just what I found in the first read thru.

Now, I know that I am not the best writer, that’s why I work for free here and am not getting paid to write somewhere else. But come on. Can you guys at least try to look over your work before you send it in? I hate to have to speak for the hockey public again, but if no one else will I will take the job.

I know that from now on, there will be some nitpicker pointing out to me everything I do wrong in my columns from now on, and I don’t care. Bring it on. Your complaints will entertain my readers and me during the lockout when there is nothing else to write about.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go spell check my work.

A big named free agent coming to Pittsburgh? Just like Matt Gould in Joe Schmo, I’m asking myself, “What is going on?”

The penguins have had a history of bringing in former teammates and buddies of Mario Lemieux, but this one actually makes sense in the bigger picture. But unlike Kevin Stevens or Marc Bergevan (3 freakin times), Marc Recchi can actually still play hockey.

Recchi is still a very popular player here in Pittsburgh, which is remarkable since he has spent the better part of nine years with the hated Flyers. Though he hasn’t played here in 13 years, he still has a house in the area, and is involved with local charities. He is one of the very few players who have left the team that the fans still will respect and cheer when they return with another team, the others being Ron Francis and …and…I can’t really think of anyone else.

Not only is he popular, but his statistics from last year would have led the Penguins in goals, assists, points, plus and minus, power play goals, and chances are that he could have led the team in goals against and save percentage if he wanted.

This was not just a ‘living in the past’ signing, nor a ‘he’s Mario’s buddy’ signing, or a ‘he’s good in the locker room’ signing. This was a ‘genuine playing hockey motivated to strengthen the team’ signing, a rarity in these parts.

Unfortunately, there are rumors that it won’t stop there. Reports are that the Penguins are perusing another former ‘guin, Aleki Kovalev. This would not be a good fit for the current team, as Kovalev’s game play has only flourished when not playing a defensive system. During the last month of the season, coach Eddie Olczyk’s system produced a winning record, and there is no sign that it shouldn’t produce more this upcoming season. His other strength was playing the point on the power play, a role filled quite nicely by Dick Tarnstrom and Ric Jackman.

They would be better off going after a center, their weakest position. Scott Gomez would be a perfect signing, since not only is he young and a playmaker, he also has played in a defensive system in New Jersey for his career. Forget the $5 million or so Kovalev for make this year, Gomez would fill a need, be cheaper, and would not be a defensive liability.

***** On another note, the topic of the “Fan’s speak out” column recently has been all about the Rangers. Let me clue the Ranger fans in on something, EVERYONE HATES YOU!!! It’s nothing personal. Fans on New York are hated all over the continent, in both hockey and baseball, by all non-bandwagon jumping fans of those respective sports. You are perceived as whiny brats who get their way all the time, and I see nothing to change our minds any time soon.

Before the hate mail starts pouring in (send to ianintheam@yahoo.com) let me remind you of what your teams do. Think of all the little kids in the sports world, going to their games and rooting for their favorite player, only to get heartbroken when they get traded to New York. I know that you are not responsible for it, and it doesn’t matter if you agree with the trade or not, it is your team. So, when the Rangers cut ties with Lindros or draft another goalie, your cries of poor us and pleas of sympathy are going to fall on deaf ears. So please, just shut up.

*****Poll Question Time****

What is your opinion of fans of teams in New York? (email responses to ianintheam@yahoo.com)

A) I am one, you _____!

B) I like them

C) I don’t care

D) I am a fan of a New York team, and I hate the fans of New York

It’s time to announce the results for the first annual Face Wash survey. I would first like to thank all of those who took time to fill out my little quiz, and I do sincerely value the response. It was larger than I expected, and took me a couple of days to tally the totals.

The totals were very close on most of the questions, except for a few. But enough b.s’ing about it, lets get into the results.

Question 1) What was the most embarrassing hockey moment?

Winner: The Current financial state of the NHL 43%
Todd Bertuzzi’s sneak attack on Steve Moore 28%

Marty McSorley swinging for the fences 15%

The movie Slat Shot 2: Breaking the Ice 12%

No big surprise here. While the Bertuzzi incident was a horrible black eye for the sport, it will be forgotten within a month of two, just like the McSorley incident a few years ago. According to nhlcbanews.com, the NHL as a group lost around $273 million last year, and only 11 of the 30 teams broke even. Doesn’t that bother anyone? If Subway lost $273 million last year, and only a third of their franchises broke even, don’t you think Jared would have to walk to McDonalds?

Question 2) What has caused the most problems for today’s NHL?

Winner: A lack of a good public relations department 48%

The fact that hockey is not football, so noone cares about it in the US 44%

I’m disappointed that only 1 vote was cast for the Rangers annexing talent like the Soviet Union annexed countries. All issues need to be resolved for the NHL to survive, above all the lack of a PR department. Look at the difference between the NHL and the NBA: Lebron James and Marc-Andre Fleury were both considered to be head and shoulders above everybody else in the draft, and both went first overall to struggling teams in small markets. James is making more money with his drink deals than Fleury will make over his entire Pittsburgh contract.

Question 3) Which is the best hockey movie?

Winner: Slap Shot 57%

Miracle 42%

This was much closer than I thought it would be. I was sure that Slap Shot was going to get around 80% of the votes, but Miracle was leading for most of the balloting, until a late surge secured the win for the Chiefs. Miracle lost votes to overseas readers who had not seen the film yet, as well as Canadian readers who hate Americans; but Slap Shot is a uniter, not a divider that plays well in any country in any language. Both are great movies and must have DVD’s for any hockey fan; if you don’t own them you go to the box for two minutes and feel shame.

Question 4) If you were starting up an NHL franchise, which one player would you want on your team?

Winner: Roberto Luongo

Second: Peter Forsberg

Multiple vote getters: Brodeur, Heatley, Kovalchuk, Nash.

All are excellent choices. I would probably make Kovalchuk or Luongo my franchise player, but you couldn’t go wrong with any of those above. This question did bring in some bad answers, most notably Patrick Roy and Adam Oates. READ THE QUESTION! What good would a retired goalie, no matter how great he was, do for your franchise (except for selling throwback jerseys)? Notable absences from the list include: Joe Sakic (1 vote), Marty Turco, Markus Naslund, Robert Lang, Andrew Raycroft, and David Abeischer (0 votes)

Question 5) What would you like to see happen in the current labor situation?

Winner: A salary cap/revenue sharing/luxury tax; even if it means a lengthy work stoppage 36%

A salary cap/revenue sharing/luxury tax; but only if there is no lockout 33%

I don’t care, I just want to watch them play hockey 23%

At least you can agree on something. Not one vote for the ‘nothing, the game is fine how it is’ category. It’s good to see that someone is paying attention. True hockey fans are willing to wait a year or two to fix the problem in the NHL. A system with a hard salary cap and revenue sharing like they use in the NFL is the only way that the NHL will survive. Ignoring the problem, or installing a weak luxury tax will not solve the problem. We can see how successful those are by looking at the Yankees and their $200 million dollar payroll, while I am here in Pittsburgh watching the Pirates.

Question 6) There is no question 6

Question 7) Who is the best sportscaster?

Winner: Darren Pang 40%

Barry Melrose 31%

Chick McGee 27%

Thanks to all of you Bob and Tom listeners who heard about the survey on the air and voted, but in the end the short goalie and the mullet defeated the Chick-ster. Pang is a great color man, and Melrose is an excellent analysis. McGee probably couldn’t tell you the difference between a puck and a pop tart, but makes up for it by being a significant part on the funniest morning show on radio today.

Question 8) Which hockey player would make the best wrestler?

Winner: Jeremy Roenick 33%

Glen Sather 30%

Bret Hull 10%

Eric Lindros 10%

Roenick’s microphone skills/personality combined with his ability to bleed pushed him to the top of the list. Glen Saither as the Million Dollar Man was my favorite, followed by the Bret Hull/Ric Flair reference. A good write in vote was Mathew Barnaby, who would make a great cowardly heel in the WWE (or WWF to us old school fans). Other possibilities include Zdneo Chara (the Big Show), Ilya Kovalchuk as Bret Hart (“The Best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be) and Gary Bettman as the commissioner that all the stars get to beat up on a regular basis. Lindros’ concussions put him up there with Mick Foley, but Foley was a champion, something Lindros will never…and the Mac means NEVER… be.

Question 9) What would you rather see?

Winner: Contraction 90%

Expansion 3%

neither (write in) 7%

I think that the league and the number of teams are like a couple and children. If you didn’t want them, you shouldn’t have had them in the first place. Now that their here, you can’t get rid of them… legally. Has over expansion ruined the NHL? Maybe. But contraction is not the answer. What is the answer, you ask? I don’t know. That’s for the owners and the players to decide this summer in-between rounds of golf.

Question 10) What will the new rule changes accomplish?

Winner: Increase scoring by leaps and bounds and abolish the trap system, thus saving hockey and the world we know 30%

Not much 25%

It doesn’t matter as long as they are poorly enforced 22%

Make goalie’s lives harder 22%

I hope you people understand that I put that whole abolishing the trap and saving hockey thing in there as a joke. The correct answer is ‘ who cares about the lack of on ice excitement when an off the ice problem will shut down the league for years’.

Well, there are your answers and my sarcastic analysis. I look forward to doing another next year, or possibly putting a question on each of my future articles. Tune in next week when I make fun of hockey cards.

Ian MacDonald is a contributor for Spectorshockey.net and other media outlets he occasionally plugs down here at the bottom of this page. You can email him at ianintheam@yahoo.com if you have any questions, comments, corrections or job vacancies

That’s right, Scott hall fans. It’s time to take a little survey. Lets hear what you, the hockey literate have to say about some serious hockey related issues. Feel free to take the survey and email it to me at ianintheam@yahoo.com Results will be posted later.

1. What is the most embarrassing hockey moment?

a. Marty McSorley swinging for the fences with Donald Brasher’s head.
b. Todd Bertuzzi’s sneak attack on Steve Moore
c. Slap Shot 2 Breaking the Ice
d. The Current financial state of the NHL

2. What has caused the most problems for today’s NHL?

a. A lack of a good public relations department
b. The New York Rangers annexing talent like the Soviet Union annexed countries
c. The fact that hockey isn’t football, so no one cares about it in America.

3. What is the best Hockey Movie?

a. Slap Shot
b. Miracle
c. The Mighty Ducks
d. Happy Gilmore

4. If you were starting up a new franchise in the NHL, which one player would you want on your team?

a. This is a fill in the blank one, there are too many good players today

5. What would you like to see happen in the current labor negotiations?
a. Nothing; the game is fine how it is
b. A salary cap / revenue sharing / luxury tax; even if it means a lengthy work stoppage
c. A salary cap / revenue sharing / luxury tax; but only if it does not cause a lockout
d. I don’t care; I just want to watch them play

6. There is no question 6

7. Who is the best sportscaster?

a. Barry Melrose (ESPN)
b. Daren Pang (ESPN)
c. Chick McGee (The Bob and Tom show)
d. Whoever is on Fox Sports Net (I don’t know because I don’t watch it. And I imagine neither do you)

8. Which Hockey Player would make the best Wrestler?

a. Jeremy Roenick (he has the microphone skills)
b. Eric Lindros (he has had more concussions that Mick Foley and Terry Funk put together)
c. Glen Saither (the new ‘Million Dollar Man’ Ted Debiase. “Everybody has a Price”)
d. Brett Hull (the new Ric Flair; a past his prime champion who is not what he used to, but can still put up a great performance now and again)

9. What would you like to see in the NHL?

a. Contraction of teams to increase skill on the remaining rosters, but fewer teams to root for
b. More expansion and dilution of the talent pool, but you get a local team and a rooting interest

10. Will the new rules (restricting goalie pad size and play of the puck, moving nets back, etc) accomplish?

a. Not much

b. It doesn’t matter as long as they are enforced as poorly as the obstruction crackdown every year

c. Make goalie’s lives harder

d. Increase scoring by leaps and bounds and abolish the trap system, thus saving hockey and the world we know.

Hockey is one of, if not the most exciting sport to watch. Television does not do it justice; you just “have to be there to believe it”.

Judging by the attendance numbers, most of you are not going to see the Penguins live, and with their record as bad as it is I don’t blame you. They are so far in the cellar they could build a T station down there. But even a bad hockey team is more exciting than most things in this town, and I suggest you go and enjoy hockey before a work stoppage ruins the game for everyone.

But, when you go to the game, there is a “Hockey Etiquette” that you need to learn and follow. Hockey fans know what I am talking about, and they will yell at you casual fans if you do not follow it. I am tired of your collective ignorance, and won’t take it anymore. This is your warning. Follow these rules and there won’t be any problems. We all can enjoy hockey while it last, as long as you obey the laws.

Rule 1) DO NOT STAND UP DURING PLAY. There are enough icing and offside stoppages to give you a chance to go and get your $6 beer, stop standing up and blocking my view during the game. I didn’t pay my somewhat hard earned $40 dollars to see the back of your FUBU jacket; I came to watch hockey. This is the biggest offense by rookie hockey viewers. Pirate games are boring enough that you can get away with standing up and leaving during the game, and people are too drunk at Steeler games to notice. You just can’t do that at a hockey game.

Rule 2) DO NOT SHOUT ‘SHOOT THE PUCK’. There is a reason why the players are getting paid millions to play the game, and you had to pay to see them: it’s because they know what they are doing. While it might look like a good idea to shoot the puck from up in F balcony, it looks a little different down on ice level. The NHL is the highest level of hockey, even the worst player on the worst team has to know what he is doing or he wouldn’t be there for long. You can shout all kinds of things, and boo all kinds of players, but for the love of God, quit shouting SHOOT. When they miss the net, allowing the other team skates down the ice and score, you are just going to say to yourself, “man, he should have passed it.” Never has shouting at a playermade any difference in the game. Has this ever happened during the post game interview “(reporter) Hey Rico, nice goal out there tonight.” “Yeah, I was going to pass it to Alexie, but this one guy up in C section kept yelling to shoot, so I listened to him and looked what happened.”

Rule 3) NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAMS. Rooting for individuals who are playing against your home team is a sin. Think of how greedy your being: hoping that a visiting player single handedly beats your team, disappointing the 10+ thousand in attendance, all so you can get 2 extra points in your stupid little fantasy league. There are very limited exceptions for this rule. You may route for individuals playing against the Pens, but only if you are sitting in a group of at least 4 members from the same fantasy hockey league, and only if it is not loud enough that I have to hear about it from my seat.

Unfortunately, there is no box to send you to when you break the rules like in the game. I know that “he who is sinless should cast the first high stick” or something like that, and I have broken a rule or two once in a while. But just please try to follow these rules so everyone can enjoy the game together. Hockey fans are tough, and they don’t take kindly to people breaking the rules. Tie Domi and the referees are not the only ones who will enforce the rules at the game. Just remember, waiting that extra two minutes for a stop in play is a lot better than getting a $6 souvenir drink dumped on your head